if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
