I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
