Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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