I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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