I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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