i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
