I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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