Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
