What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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