Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
