I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
