My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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