it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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