i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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