i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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