my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
