and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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