The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
