Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
