Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I enjoy the company of your penis
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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