I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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