Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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