I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
