I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
