there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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