Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
