I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
