Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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