he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Randomize
