Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
