we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
