Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
