At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
