Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
