he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize