he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
