he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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