he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
