Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
