now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
