this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
