i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
