the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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