I wish my penis had an off switch
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
why do cheetos always look like penises
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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