rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
