So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We need to get me chipped asap
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize