There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
