after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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