he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
