I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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