The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
