I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
FUCK WHALES
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