Soap is not a condiment
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You took a bar mat shot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
