Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
