Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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