people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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