Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
