Apparently you make a good broom.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
