Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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