think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize