im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
