Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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