it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
