Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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