I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
