He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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